Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Fricking huntsman spiders.

So I get home from work and go to check my email.
No internets.
Irrational panic.
Hubs left home this morning and will be gone eight days. EIGHT DAYS? I can't live without internet access for EIGHT DAYS!!!
I mean, what will I do if someone emails me and I have to give them my bank account details in the next thirty seconds or SOMEONE ELSE gets the thirty million loonies (canadian dollars)???
How will I check the weather and know what density jeans to wear? And if I should be wearing a singlet top underneath stuff (for brrrrr layering) or OVER stuff (because it'll warm up later and I am SO sick of myself wearing the boring of boringness)?

In desperation I turned my computer off and on again. Nothing. I mean it connected to the network and all, but the joys of wireless are such that when it works, it's great. Invisible internetty goodness within my house = happy days. Mysterious network-showing-up-but-no-action-in-my-browser = unhappiness. Sadness. Shouting at thin air no longer occupied by hubs (aka chief geek who can fix all computer problems known to man. And to me, who just has trouble plugging stuff in sometimes).

But then! Aha! Bright idea! I will go DOWNSTAIRS to the portal of internet (that would be the cupboard under the house that houses all our webby stuff) and stare at it, willing it back into invisible health, wellbeing, and the ability to scrape information off the internet and feed it to my screen.
There's a very large huntsman on the staircase.

The last time there was a huntsman in the house, suzukisinger and I inhaled more flyspray than it did. then,laughing hysterically, belted it randomly with a newspaper, mostly missing. I think it died from drowning in puddle o'spray rather than contact with any hard surface. I don't really like spiders.

Ok. Newspaper. Armed with cylinder, snuck up on spider. Realised that squashing spider was going to make one helluva mess. (I was planning on hitting it rather hard, yes. No-one ever wanders around chanting "Concuss....Concuss... It's exterminate or nothing.) THIS is the bizarre part. Put DOWN cylinder, trotted back upstairs, fetched large plastic container and lid, trapped spider and set it free.

Hubs, if you're reading this, I deserve a very special present (yes, another one) just for that humane act. Not sure what came over me... but there's ANOTHER miracle to report. No mom, I am not pregnant. Put that clucky-grandchildy-thing away already. I THEN proceeded to the Cupboard Where All Things Internet Happen, wrenched it open and stared wretchedly for a little while. Lights went blip and blink and were completely incomprehensible. Yargh.

Of course, things can't get any worse. I am already internetless, so whatevs. Detached a cord that was plugged into a socket that said POWER which may or may not have belonged to the modem, counted to five, plugged it back in and shut the cupboard. Stupid cupboard. Sulkily stomped back upstairs, flung self on bed, demonstratively because it's all-so-useless-and-futile poked refresh a few times and -



Of course, now I discover that no-one loves me. Sigh. Oh, the cruelty.


lindamciver said...

I am SO impressed. I know exactly how much courage it takes for an arachnophobe to capture a huntsman and take it outside. I remember spending an hour on the phone with a friend, when I was a teenager, while he talked me through killing one... but since then I've been taking them outside - with much shrieking and shuddering. I'm sorry, spiders are wrong, and huntsman are very, very wrong.

AND you fixed your own internet connection! You rock. :-)

You inhale books. You don't like spiders but take them outside anyway. You write. Are you *sure* we're not related???

Matthew said...

Please ma'am - the dog ate my comment.

omchelsea said...

lol - If anything, I'm sure we ARE; clearly there was some amazingly amazing mixup at the hospital w/ suzukisinger and I, but you MUST be a cousin of some sort somehow. Or something... Except I'm a short*&^#!

omchelsea said...

MATTHEW: You are kidding. Seriously.

lindamciver said...

You're not short! Maybe it's the bounce factor, but your smile seems a long way up most days. :)

Jay Ferris said...

Damn you for making me Google "huntsman spider". I would have been scared to hit one of those things with my car, let alone a magazine. But then you go and set it free? You must be like the Snow White of all things creepy.

hannahjustbreathe said...

Umm, I HHHAAAATTTTEEEEEE spiders. Like have a legit, paralyzing fear of them. It's ridiculous but ohhh so real. I can't even Google what these damn huntsman spiders look like but the name alone gives me the shivers.

I probably would have stood frozen on those steps, willing the spider to wither and die right there before my eyes. And even then, I don't think I could have gone near it.

In other words, you are one impressive lady.

suzukisinger said...

yes, yes she is impressive. And also very good at making vegemite scones (aka cheesymite scroll DIY's) I think the inhalation from the last hunstman hunting has somewhat quelled the fear...or perhaps dulled the sensation of fear! I would NOT have picked the rotten thing up either, I can tell you THAT for certain!!

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