Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Me? Vindictive? Never!

So I'm driving down the road to work, gently stuck behind an old coot travelling ye olde five kilometers beneath ye speed limit, when a very angry man in a silver car begins to tailgate me. I'd like to tell you the model of the car, but he was far too intent on shoving the bonnet into my dinky little bumper, so I can't.

He wasn't a very happy man. He had a bald head and a big moustache, and some rather large sunglasses. Possibly he was still unhappy about the loss of his Harley (doubtless totalled into the back of some other law-abiding driver), because he felt the need to express his frustration in a myriad of ways.
At first I thought he was trying a game of rearview charades, but extending your middle finger heavenward and jerking it violently doesn't seem very PG. Or sportsmanlike.

Then he seemed to succumb to a violent gravitational force emanating from the centre of his steering wheel. Loudly. I'd like to tell you exactly what kind of car makes a noise like that, but the whole bonnet-bumper situation? Completely tailgated. So I decided it might be time for me to play a game. Like "Chelsea Stops!" It's a great way to test (a) just how lightning quick your reflexes are and (b) the health of your tyres.
Mine are fine, thank you for asking.

At the next set of lights, moron man overtook me on the left and drove in an imaginary lane for about a hundred metres, valiantly straining to overtake the old codger who was the source of all his fury. He failed. Massively. Because I now had the pleasure of staring directly at moron's license plate. Oops.
I'm not a naturally vindictive person, but if you REALLY want to tailgate me, scream abuse, wave your finger about and then very nearly run me off the road, expect retribution.

We have a very nice service called "The Hoon Hotline" - 1800-NO HOON. They liked receiving my telephone call very much. They especially liked the part where moron man cut through an intersection using a service road at twice the legal limit. I liked getting even.


lindamciver said...

YES!!!! Nice work, Miss Chelsea!

julochka said...

revenge is sweet. very sweet indeed.

suzukisinger said...

hee hee hee!!! bald man finishes last.
CHelsea not to be toyed with

Matthew said...

Dear god... if they introduced that up here, it would be so much easier to drive along the coast at the weekend. My commute would be down to 10 minutes a day, too.

Will you send me your hotline for christmas if I ask nicely? Please?

Dan. said...

I don't drive, but that made even me angry.

You rock sister!

*High fives you. Then gives you a big ten just for giggles*

Elizabeth said...

Angry drivers ruin my day. I can't tell you how many nice walks of mine have been interrupted by a blaring horn. Useless.

David said...

A reasonably clever geologist sold me a solution to tailgaters. Wash your windscreen. Evidently it scares them away.

omchelsea said...

Linda: Thanks! You know, I was just SO sick of being a doormat that day...

julochka: damn straight. He really did deserve it, too.

Suzukisinger: you know it. That was suspiciously haikuish.

Matthew, I'd love to. But maybe you should start a local campaign or something.

Dan: Thank you.

Elizabeth: Exactly! All that aggression!

David: don't be a smartarse!

Lora said...

oh, we need that here! especially now that the buses aren't running