Friday, October 30, 2009

Shoot on sight:

Peroxide blonde gyrating furiously to sound of over-amplified band.

A little elaboration: the venue is TINY. About four square metres of dancing space tiny. The band, apparently attempting to rebel against or deny this unarguable fact, are growing larger every week. I kid you not, every fourteen days when they deafen us with their presence there is a new band member. And a new speaker. Possibly two new speakers. Now, given the size of the venue, they could feasibly play an ACOUSTIC gig and still be horribly, nastily, agonisingly loud. Tonight not only my toes (that's another story, see below) but my eardrums are bloodied.

Yes. So. The blonde. I have nothing against forty-something women having a good time. I would like to be one of them in twenty years. However, I hope my friends will tell me that (a) my dress does not stop my sagging cleavage from pogo-ing when I "dance" and (b) stepping from side to side swinging my hair, arms, spiky-ended fingers and the aforementioned cleavage does not qualify as "dancing".

It's particularly annoying when the rest of the floor not occupied by crazy inebriated woman is peopled by beer-swilling statues unwilling to concede their centre-of-the-floor space for, oh, gee, a comfortable chair?
Or that space over by the wall?
You know, where you'll still be able to see up my skirt when I turn but no-one will bump into you and the general quality of the dancing (your entertainment) will be better because the people dancing WON'T HAVE TO DANCE AROUND YOU ALL THE TIME, YOU MORONS!

Sorry. There are really only so many hours in the day I can be gracious and goodwill personified (hhhmmmm.... about 0.0001 realistically). Dammit.

Even my lovely hubs attempting to point out "But really it's a pub. I mean, people stand around drinking because it's a PUB" will not mollify me. Yes, it's a pub. But to stand in the way of the speedy trajectory of 150 kilos?
Well, how stupid are you currently feeling? And if you're not used to this whole people whirling around dancing business? ALL THE MORE REASON TO SIT DOWN, PEOPLE!!!
I'm sorry. Only avocado on toast can make this better. I have to go now.

4 comments:

lacochran said...

"Avocado on Toast"? Great name for a band.

I've never understood people that insist on standing in the middle of a dance floor. I'm with you, dance or go sit down.

kylie said...

you sound curmudgeonly. i have just the post (two actually) for you!

Matthew said...

Avocado on toast? Man, I wish I'd read you earlier. It's inappropriate to make avocado on toast at midnight - isn't it?

omchelsea said...

lacochran: damn straight. Preferably sit and leave more floor for me.

Kylie: yes! I am having a curmudgeonly week.

Matthew: midnight is the best time for avocado on toast.